All the time I talk about how grief is non-negotiable. It doesn’t matter how smart you are or how familiar you are with it, when someone you love dies your life, your clarity, your decision-making can all get cloudy, and I am no exception.

On August 4^th my mom, Connie passed away. She was a mother of nine, and with my dad founded Mueller Memorial. Mom was a sparkling force of nature and a consummate entertainer.

If ever you sat with her over dinner or drinks, you knew how she could capture the interest and attention of everyone nearby with her animated stories of social adventure. She had a gift for making everyone feel like they were a part of the story with intent eye contact and affirming nods. Even near the end of her life when parts of her short term memory faded, she could still regale you with stories of late nights closing down the Copa Cabana with Al in New York City. It’s hard to imagine how our lives will be without her.

When Mom died, my wife, Heidi and I were out of town–like across an ocean out of town–and though I deal with loss and grief every day, the cloudiness of bereavement hit me too. I knew I would need to cut my trip short to come home for the funeral, but I also somehow got it into my head that Heidi should stay behind and finish the trip. She thought this was a bad idea, but I spent concerted effort to try and convince her to finish the trip and that is was okay to miss the funeral.

You read that right, I, a funeral director of 40 years who deeply believes in the value and importance of gathering for a funeral, thought that my wife didn’t need to be with me at my own mother’s funeral.

When I texted my stepdaughters, Annie and Taelor to tell them the plan and try to get them to help me convince Heidi to stay abroad their responses were clear as a bell; Heidi was right, she needed to come home too.

Of course they were right, it was totally unreasonable for me to think that I wouldn’t need the support of my wife during Mom’s funeral. It was unreasonable to think Heidi wouldn’t need the opportunity to also grieve with our friends and family. But grief is not reasonable. So if you ever made a decision or said something you regret during your grief experience, be gentle with yourself. Bereavement makes it really hard to think clearly and make rational decisions, even for me.

Thanks to our amazing team at Mueller Memorial and my wonderful siblings, we were able to give Mom a perfect send off and it meant so much to be there with my whole family and of course, especially with Heidi.